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I had another slam-dunk affirmation of my decision to get away from all of this just this week. I have it every week, but here's this one. I spent a great deal of time this week on night float with this patient I loved and his friends. They're awesome. I loved them. The patient essentially got handed (during this admission) a hand of multi-organ failure with cancer on top of a previously generally healthy life. He decided to be DNR/DNI willfullly, understandably, as I would have done. He's now intubated. It was done while he was unstable and hypoglycemic... I'm so furious about all of it. I truly can't stand this anymore. Really. I'm too mentally and emotionally exhausted to fight this stuff, but I really want nothing to do with it on an emotional level. It's breaking me down. Not like," oh maybe when I'm not a resident I'll want to deal with this." More like, "get me away from this stuff that's raping my mental world." I ...

...As a conclusion to the ridiculous sous la table conversation that never ended,.... I think now that you believe some sins are unforgivable. I hope that isn't true, because I disagree. No sins are unforgivable and nothing is indifferent. From the queen of apathy, the situation is NOT APATHETIC. Some things are accidents. But I'd prefer for you to forgive them or condemn them than to cast them aside. Please, don't ever fall into apathy. It's not you. I don't think you will, but I suppose it's also a warning to myself. That is the easiest answer. Apathy. Everyone is right. No one is wrong. Or everyone is wrong. No one is right. And nothing matters anyway. Don't ever be like that. Life won't be worth living anymore....

Damn what a year this was!...This new year is a giant *reset* button for me. Finally finishing school, starting my career, single and free and moving away, starting everything fresh after a jam-packed and eventful year. Perhaps a little wiser for the wear. Guess later on I'll probably look back on this year as the time I started to grow up. It was a great year. Decided on a career finally, fell in love sort of, and had a hell of a time doing it. Had tremendous highs and crushing concrete-scraping lows. But that's how life is for an idealist, after all. It's either great or terrible or at least the constant struggle against apathy...C'est la vie. feb : life is so good ...so basically, everything is great. just enough, not too much, not going anywhere, all dreams, all play, no reality. i'm in that wonderful limbo in life that only comes around occasionally. it is a limbo where everything here and now is good, everything ahead looks glorious, there are no regrets of th...