Random thoughts, part 14: on death, love, and permanence.
On death, love, and permanence.
1. The two times I have been touched by death - dad and paw paw - the thing that struck me most was how close they still were at that moment. They were right there, so close. Their bodies were right there, but their smell - gone. Their touch - distant. Their deaths were both so sudden, gone in an instant. My paw paw I was mentally prepared, but dad?? How was he sharing vacation photos with me just 3 weeks ago? How was he commenting on my photos the day before he died? How was he still warm and resting right in front of me when I had to say good bye, yet he was gone forever and couldn’t hear me? How did I not get a chance to tell him good bye and that I love him? Just gone in an instant.
2. My dad told me he loved me unconditionally. And I knew that. I hope he knew the same from me.
3. Dad, I didn’t leave home because I reject it. I was just trying to carve my own way.
4. It’s not fair that his parents watched his grandchildren have children, but he could not even meet all of his own grandchildren.
5. My dad worked so hard his whole life to reach this point. It’s so unfair.
6. I wish my Dad’s death on anyone I love: doing something he loved, surrounded by people he loved, knowing he was loved... going quickly without pain or suffering. But it should have been 20 years later. And I should have been there.
7. Oliver’s last memory of his pop was going to the Pelican’s basketball game with him and eating chocolate ice cream in “yittle balls.” (Dip n dots)
8. Simon won’t remember his pop, but I have photos of them together in March on the beach in Grand Isle right before their trip.
9. I remember missing Christmas and Mardi Gras this year and specifically thinking “it’s ok because it’s the same every year.” Now it will never be the same again. Ever.
10. Some people, when they are gone, sort of fade away and it’s not too noticeable after a while. Dad and Paw Paw were not that kind of man. They will live forever through their legends and always leave a hole. They were large men.
11. I wish I had been there. I know exactly what to do. Maybe nothing would be different, but I wish I had been there. I’m so sorry.
12. I’m in so much pain, but I don’t want my pain to leave because that means it’s truly over. I want it to stay this painful.
13. My last moments with dad were in New Orleans. He surprised me the night before flying out again by making me a strawberry shortcake dessert with ice cream before bed. I was kind of annoyed with him because I was trying to get the boys to bed. I wish I had just thanked him and hugged him and sat down and eaten it with him before he went to bed.
14. I’m thankful for Live Photos and just keep watching them over and over.
15. Sometimes everything seems random. And sometimes it feels like everything happens for a reason and there are just too many coincidences to ignore.
16. I've learned that when someone I love dies, I mainly remember how good they were. But I also remember being cruel to them and hurting them. All humans have human flaws, and I should treat the people I love better and with more love and acceptance and forgiveness than all the others. I won't get a second chance at that.
17. It’s still so hard to believe he’s gone forever. Especially since I live away and it’s not in my face every day. I still feel like I should be able to just pick up my phone and text him and he would see it.
18. Some things just seem so silly and meaningless now.
19. Stop taking advantage. It’s not forever. It can be gone in an instant.
20. Listening to Jazz Fest is incredibly healing. Home is my soul. I miss it.
1. The two times I have been touched by death - dad and paw paw - the thing that struck me most was how close they still were at that moment. They were right there, so close. Their bodies were right there, but their smell - gone. Their touch - distant. Their deaths were both so sudden, gone in an instant. My paw paw I was mentally prepared, but dad?? How was he sharing vacation photos with me just 3 weeks ago? How was he commenting on my photos the day before he died? How was he still warm and resting right in front of me when I had to say good bye, yet he was gone forever and couldn’t hear me? How did I not get a chance to tell him good bye and that I love him? Just gone in an instant.
2. My dad told me he loved me unconditionally. And I knew that. I hope he knew the same from me.
3. Dad, I didn’t leave home because I reject it. I was just trying to carve my own way.
4. It’s not fair that his parents watched his grandchildren have children, but he could not even meet all of his own grandchildren.
5. My dad worked so hard his whole life to reach this point. It’s so unfair.
6. I wish my Dad’s death on anyone I love: doing something he loved, surrounded by people he loved, knowing he was loved... going quickly without pain or suffering. But it should have been 20 years later. And I should have been there.
7. Oliver’s last memory of his pop was going to the Pelican’s basketball game with him and eating chocolate ice cream in “yittle balls.” (Dip n dots)
8. Simon won’t remember his pop, but I have photos of them together in March on the beach in Grand Isle right before their trip.
9. I remember missing Christmas and Mardi Gras this year and specifically thinking “it’s ok because it’s the same every year.” Now it will never be the same again. Ever.
10. Some people, when they are gone, sort of fade away and it’s not too noticeable after a while. Dad and Paw Paw were not that kind of man. They will live forever through their legends and always leave a hole. They were large men.
11. I wish I had been there. I know exactly what to do. Maybe nothing would be different, but I wish I had been there. I’m so sorry.
12. I’m in so much pain, but I don’t want my pain to leave because that means it’s truly over. I want it to stay this painful.
13. My last moments with dad were in New Orleans. He surprised me the night before flying out again by making me a strawberry shortcake dessert with ice cream before bed. I was kind of annoyed with him because I was trying to get the boys to bed. I wish I had just thanked him and hugged him and sat down and eaten it with him before he went to bed.
14. I’m thankful for Live Photos and just keep watching them over and over.
15. Sometimes everything seems random. And sometimes it feels like everything happens for a reason and there are just too many coincidences to ignore.
16. I've learned that when someone I love dies, I mainly remember how good they were. But I also remember being cruel to them and hurting them. All humans have human flaws, and I should treat the people I love better and with more love and acceptance and forgiveness than all the others. I won't get a second chance at that.
17. It’s still so hard to believe he’s gone forever. Especially since I live away and it’s not in my face every day. I still feel like I should be able to just pick up my phone and text him and he would see it.
18. Some things just seem so silly and meaningless now.
19. Stop taking advantage. It’s not forever. It can be gone in an instant.
20. Listening to Jazz Fest is incredibly healing. Home is my soul. I miss it.
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I'm sorry that you feel like our relationship has changed. But change is inevitable and you have chosen to live a life apart from us. This is natural and not a cause for concern because I still love you as much as I always did. We raised you to be an independent person and have no regrets now that you are...
I love and respect you and wish you the best. I am prepared to help you in any way I can in the future. If you ever have the blessing of children then perhaps you will understand. I love you, unconditionally.
-Dad
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| March 11, 2018. Grand Isle, LA |
This is absolutely beautifully written Em. I too, lost my father and it has been 9 years and it still hurts to the core. I pray each day you are reminded of that unconditional love. I know I do. Hugs my friend...Anita
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