em

Is a broken heart a diagnosis?   You run ahead into the bathroom lone,  Stealing a quick glance as you disappear.  My heart leaps and aches, beating fast and strong.  My chest weighs heavy, squeezing and painful. I feel my heart swell when you reappear. Is this pericarditis? Heart failure?  Heart attack? Cardiomyopathy?    You frolic up the roller coaster ramp.  Choose your lonesome seat, scared but determined.  You lock eyes with me as the bar locks down.  Then you lurch forward as my abdomen  regurgitates to my esophagus.  I cannot swallow. It burns. Shallow breaths.  Is it GERD? Anaphylaxis? Panic?    You explore the block on your bicycle.  You look backward and wink and wave, I blink...  Did you leave? Turn the curve? Away from me?  Will the cars see you? Where will you pedal? Will you fall? Will you know what to do? My thoughts are paralyzed. My forehead throbs.  Is it a seizure? Aneurysm...

On death, love, and permanence.  1. The two times I have been touched by death - dad and paw paw - the thing that struck me most was how close they still were at that moment. They were right there, so close. Their bodies were right there, but their smell - gone. Their touch - distant. Their deaths were both so sudden, gone in an instant. My paw paw I was mentally prepared, but dad?? How was he sharing vacation photos with me just 3 weeks ago? How was he commenting on my photos the day before he died? How was he still warm and resting right in front of me when I had to say good bye, yet he was gone forever and couldn’t hear me? How did I not get a chance to tell him good bye and that I love him? Just gone in an instant.  2. My dad told me he loved me unconditionally. And I knew that. I hope he knew the same from me.  3. Dad,  I didn’t leave home because I reject it. I was just trying to carve my own way.   4. It’s not fair that his parents ...

Day 5: Refugio Grey - Refugio Paine Grande It’s Saturday morning. I wake up feeling better than I thought I would. My legs aren’t too sore. My cough is letting up. And now, I have 6 beautiful fresh tabs of Sudafed to use for the last 4 days of the trek. The sun is up outside. Things are looking up. There is a beautiful picture window next to our breakfast table where we can watch the birds fly in and out. There are a huge variety of birds in the park, and I wish I knew more about them. I can’t eat much at breakfast after watching my beans and rice come up last night, so I nibble. The hike should be easy today, 11km(7mi) and 3.5 hours, basically flat, over to Paine Grande. We pack up and say goodbye to our Australian friends. They’ll be heading out for some kayaking by the glacier today and possibly a glacier hike. I’m jealous of their rest day.  I’ll miss them.  We head out toward Paine Grande. I took one Sudafed with breakfast because I figure I won’t nee...