Just a few recent surprising self realizations

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Held captive in the bowels of my community hospital in Utah over the past two months, I've been thinking about a few things I have learned about myself in the last year or so. Here they are if you're interested:


1. I'm not nearly as altruistic, optimistic, humanistic, or idealistic as I thought I was.. either that or I've just changed. I'm much more of a skeptical realist now.

2. I don't really want to be a family doc... this one has been a tough self-realization this year.

3. I'd rather not work than work. But unlike a significant portion of my patients, I recognize that I have to.

4. Jumping out of a plane is pretty fun.

5. I hate to owe money, but I think not having enough money is a really lame excuse to miss out on something. This has become a predicament in my life.

6. Utah is a beautiful, unique place, but it's no place to live.

7. I'm more of an east-coaster than a west-coaster, and actually truthfully westerners kind of bug me in a weird way. I think it has something to do with a disdain for political correctness. And a love for good food. This realization surprised me, as I always kind of self-identified myself as belonging in the mountains out west.

8. "Counterculture" is not the same thing as "culture." More specifically, it's lame, similar to junior high school. I miss culture.

9. I never want to live so far away from family again.

10. I hate living in the state of being of Bitter Resentfulness, and I refuse to fester in it. It's been a new thing for me, as I am used to living in a general state of naivety, fantastic luck, and finding myself pleasantly surprised.

11. I still have some major issues with guilt. And living life with guilt as a guide causes a state of Bitter Resentfulness.

12. I'm not a pet person. I'm sorry, I feel guilty about it. But I become Bitter and Resentful when domestic animals dictate my life.

13. Most of primary care and preventative medicine can be summed up in a few words.

To be happy and healthy, you should eat right, exercise, sleep enough, and develop strong and sincere relationships. Take care of yourself. Educate yourself. Take ownership of your health. Try to stay away from hospitals. If you want to live longer, you probably should live in moderation with eating, smoking, and drinking alcohol. If you don't do these things in moderation, you probably won't live as long or be as healthy. I'm sorry.

These are things I find people in general, including myself at times, don't want to hear. But it's true nevertheless.

14. I'd probably prefer to be shot in a lineup than ever be admitted to a hospital for anything other than an acute surgical emergency or childbirth.

15. I really love delivering babies. But I still cannot imagine living my life as an OB.

16. I really would like to fall in love. I'd like to find a life partner to love, grow with, and travel with, but I have only enough emotional maturity to handle a relationship lasting up to the time spent together equivalent of about 1 month. And I think actually this is regressing with age rather than advancing, unfortunately. I've recently discovered my 14yo brother has probably surpassed me in this realm.

17. I actually do really like Hemingway... inexplicably... and have read and enjoyed most of his books this year

18. Chronic pain patients, more specifically anyone who takes scheduled narcotics and/or benzos, suck the will to live out of me. I have a theory that there are more of these folks in Utah because people aren't allowed to drink enough alcohol.

19. I feel more at peace with myself when I am en route to a place than either end of the journey. Especially on a plane. It's a special kind of freedom. No one can contact me. I can't do anything all that productive. I just have to kill a few hours reading a book or listening to music or daydreaming. I love that time.

20. I love riding motorcycles. A lot.

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"It seemed like a fine philosophy. In five years, I thought, it will seem just as silly as all the other fine philosophies I've had. Perhaps that wasn't true, though."
- Hemingway, The Sun Also Rises

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