windows, rooftops, and love songs.

It was interesting to be home again. I have really been dreading the topics that I knew would come up. Dreading. Primarily because I decided I do not really intend to go directly home after residency, and I know my family expected me to... or if they do not expect it, they really want me to come home. But secondly because I am not at the phase of life that I am "supposed to be" at this point.. This imposed sense of failed anticipation has been growing slowly and insidiously, and I have noticed it has been creeping a shadow over my time at home.. These topics are inescapable. In many ways, I do not feel like I owe anyone any explanation to any of these questions. Mainly, this is because I feel that I have been at least moderately successful so far in my life, and I have done this while maintaining solid relationships with people who are important to me. Also, I experience my life to the maximum extent that I know how to do it at each stop.. I think I have been living richly so far.

I am an innately passionate person, although I admit it often exists on an introverted level. I think this is why, perhaps, I feel the "growing pains" of life with such intensity. It really hurts, or it is really amazing, or it is incredibly sad.. I even feel apathy with an intensely tragic sense when I recognize the "loss of emotion" that defines my apathy. I often wear my heart on my sleeve -- that is the nice way to say it --more accurately, I blurt out things that I think. Maybe as a result of spilling all of this on people, they are dwelling on the negatives of my chosen realm of existence rather than appreciating or interpreting the whole picture. When I look back at almost every life experience I have had, in general I feel happy and proud. Not always. There were times that I am ashamed of, or I was helpless to, or depressed about, but overall. Overall, I feel very happy about my life choices. This sentiment seems to be missing from the people who care the most about me and it makes me sad that they think of me through tinted windows.

In many ways, I blame myself for this incorrect perception because I spend a lot more time talking to people I love when I am distressed or sad. In my defense, I also try to send them the happy sketches of my life through pictures or cards. But when I say I think people are insistent on pointing out and dwelling on the negatives, perhaps that is in essence because I am insistent on pointing out the negatives.

I had my 10 year high school reunion this week. It made me reflect on and appreciate some really fun and happy times in my life. It triggered a cascade of reflection. I complained about our school a lot, but I had some great friends and was a part of what I believe were the best experiences that my high school had to offer: swimming, band, track, cross country, honors classes, writing for our little paper... In college, same thing. I whined about some of the more boring aspects of engineering a whole lot, but I graduated with honors with an engineering degree in 4 years. I was also part of all the best parts of LSU. The honors college, Tiger Band, ran around the most beautiful lake in Baton Rouge every single day, participated in countless club sports, did a engineering externship in Virginia that opened my eyes to the fact that there is more out there in the world.. I am often miserable in my current professional atmosphere, but when I drove by Tulane Med School today I recognized that there is no way I would erase this chapter of my life if I had the opportunity to "do-over." I would not. I was at one of our country's best medical schools with the most impressive and interesting people I have known in my life during one of the most historically significant times of New Orleans' history. New Orleans. A place I honestly believe is the most unique and special places in our country.

Residency. Residency. Now that is a tough one to defend. I have been intensely unhappy in this specialty and in this place. It's true. But honestly, when I think back about how much I complain and whine and suffer, still I feel like giving myself some freaking credit. I moved to a foreign country, for all intensive purposes, alone... 2000 miles away from home. I had some objectives to attain by doing this: I wanted to "live Out West," ski, camp, hike, and experience something different. Those were my objectives for my location for residency. Well, it was that. Taking a deep breath is a different experience in Utah than it is in southern Louisiana. And within 3 months, the house in which I spent my entire childhood burned to the ground and I could not go home to be with my family. I hated my job every step of the way in residency. The things I enjoyed about residency stand out like glowing embers in a dying fire. Adjusting to the culture in Utah was much harder than I imagined. But on the other hand, look what I have DONE and LOVED in Utah! I wonder if anyone including myself can give me credit for that part of it? I grew up in Cut Off, Louisiana. I have been in this place for a little over 27 months, and I have skiied more days than I can count including back country, learned to climb mountains on rock and on ice, ridden motorcycles, learned to mountain and road bike in canyons, hiked more peaks than most people who grew up here have done, and have been reasonably successful in the realm of a profession that is incredibly challenging and that I do no like without any support system whatsoever except what I have been able to scrounge up around me.

And so what am I supposed to do to remedy this perception? Am I supposed to pretend that I like things that I do not? Am I supposed to wallow in depression because of a bad choice? Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut about things that make me sad? Should I have run home where things are "easy" without experiencing the things I came to Utah to do? I have thought about this a lot. It would have been easy to go home when I was sad. But in that case, I would have always felt failure about this memory. And instead I feel success and survival. And pride in many ways. I moved to Utah for many reasons, and I have realized almost all of them. Besides that, to that list I have also added countless things I did not know would exist for me in this life.

Many people told me a variety of things that surprised me on this trip.

"You always choose the hard route. And you don't have to."

"It's only natural to feel inclined to stop searching at some point and find a place and just be."

"I worry that you have unrealistic expectations about what life is all about."

"Your window is closing."

I felt a great wave of peace and contentment from these discussions, and that was surprising to me. I expected it to unearth a floor of buried unrest. Why didn't it? Well, perhaps because I have spent a lot of time and energy identifying what I want my life to be. And here it is. I have arrived. In less than 1 year, I will be there. Free. I do not feel remorse, sadness, or discontent from any of those messages. They are simply incorrect.

I have a December birthday. My parents always told me that because I started Kindergarten when I was 4 years old and graduated high school at 17, I could take a year off whenever I wanted. I never wanted to freeze frame where I was until now. FREEZE. I want to take my year off. For me. I have spent my entire life realizing the expectations I had for myself and for my family and acquaintances. I have arrived. I do not know what more anyone wants me to accomplish. I have completed and succeeded at every step all the way through professional school. Straight. Without a break. Since I was 4 years old.

So what does it mean? Why is my "window closing" when I feel like it has just finally thrown itself open so that I am literally free to do whatever seems intriguing to me? And anyway, my window for what? I suppose the intention is for me to accomplish marriage, child-rearing and house. Well, I am not interested in that right now. And they know it. In the end, I sit here wondering, what defined when that window would close anyway? Is it a certain age, a state of mind, an end to schooling, an externalized expectation from society? I guess I just don't believe there is some magical window that I should be running to jump through for the wrong reasons "before it closes." What does that even mean? It is a completely absurd concept. I'm 27 years old. "But almost 28!" It's not like I'm some crusty, angry, menopausal hag with degenerative disk disease and emphysema. Give me a break, man. So, are we talking about "my fertile years?" What is this? What are they talking about?

There seem to be many glitches in the plan of settling down right now. For one, who the hell am I supposed to marry? It is hilarious! I guess I liked every person I've dated in the past decade or so, but there is a fundamental problem there... I didn't want to marry any of them, and none of them wanted to marry me. I think my longest relationship was in high school, and beyond that I haven't maintained any relationship past something like 6 months (which is stretching it..). And then, where am I supposed to buy a HOUSE? Where? I don't have any idea where I want to live yet! Children seem like a really bad idea at this point based on the last 8 sentences.

These statements don't make me angry, though. They actually strike me sort of like a distant amusement.. Like when I am watching someone saying something mildly entertaining at dinner, like a joke I don't really "get." I watch their mouth move from across the table, observe their mannerisms as they play with their glass and sip their water. In those scenarios, I am completely unable to participate except to watch as the words skim over me. I have to pay just enough attention so that I can recognize when the punch line hits so that I know to smile and nod, clueless as to what the hell they are talking about.

This sort of stuff has no effect on me. I refuse it. It is a mistake for me. I don't believe that I am special in some way that others aren't. But I know that I am stating a fact that if I were to ignore it would lead me into a spiral of self-destruction. I cannot settle for things that I do not want right now.

At this point in my life, I feel very thankful that despite being sort of a lost wanderer that I have developed very clear ideas about what I want and what will make me happy in many many realms. I know I have the ability to actualize all of them that are within my control, and I feel confident that I can identify these moments that are not within my control and grasp on when they present themselves. And I know how to fully experience them.

Some examples of my clear ideas of longing are as follows:

Career. I feel a very strong passion toward palliative care. Caring for the dying. This is an intense, fulfilling experience for me. After all my wanderings and angst about trying to find some fulfillment and satisfaction from my work, here it is on a silver platter presenting itself to me. I would not have discovered this passion if I had not made the choices I have until this point. This will come true.

Place. For now, I recognize I am most happy when I am experiencing a new place, climate, and landscape, different people, and a distinct culture. I have always loved and craved travel for these reasons. I felt this at a very young age, and it has been a part of my life as long as I can remember. Because of my travels, I have discovered a different sort of peace when I am alone in the mountains than in any other place. And now I know it because I suspected it and sought it out, then it actualized.

People. My family are the most important people in my life. By far. In fact, with the exception of a few in particular, I do not really like people all that much. I always thought that my family vortex would tie me to a place and I felt trapped by it, but now I acknowledge and appreciate that even when we do not physically see each other for 8 months, that it is like a day has not passed away from each other. We are still very important to each other and always will be.

Love. I recognize that I would love to have a life partner, and I remember when I first acknowledged it because I wrote it down. Love seems very complex and multi-factorial to me. I crave the connection, but it is such an enormous sacrifice of self. Becoming a Unit. I suppose for me to make that work, I will have to find someone who is equally good at being alone and independent, but also someone who contributes richly to my world rather than devours it or destroys it. The really special part is to maintain an intense enough bond to make the sacrifice worth it. I know what it feels like to be in love and how sad it is when life circumstances do not align at that time for some reason. I often think that I may be too selfish to maintain that bond long-term... But on the other hand, I also think love, by its nature, makes me surprisingly selfless and less protective of all of these egotistical fences around my solitary world. I have just not been in love all that much. Or they didn't love me back. And it has to be mutual. Much more often, the bond has been just shrug-my-shoulders "good enough for now." That just isn't worth the sacrifice of self. It has to be something more. The "something more" seems to be that you both have to love each other at a core level at the same time in life. I think it is a rare and beautiful thing when people find that. But I also recognize that I do not need it if the opportunity does not present itself to me. I believe that finding love is out of my control and that one cannot manufacture such a thing.

Spirituality. I have grown in an unexpected way in this realm. I grew up with a strong connection to the Catholic faith at least until early college. I have grown and changed. I do not feel particularly inclined to share the things I believe in this realm now, but they are comforting to me and bring me a great deal of peace after living in a whirlwind of guilt and terror when I was younger.

Peace. I have found that the things that bring me peace and comfort and contentment are Independence. Freedom. Flexibility. Nature. Quiet. Sunsets. Green tea. Hiking. Sleeping outside. Running long distances. Skiing. Cooking. Music. Writing. Reading. I have also noticed that situations and people that keep me away from experiencing these things make me have a lot of abdominal pain. I am thankful for my list, because these are all very accessible means to achieve peace.

For now, I see that my home is where my soul lives. After one week, my soul was nurtured back to life. I am full and heavy with joie de vie after this week. On our way to the airport, my little brother asked me to list my "Top 5 things" of the week. I couldn't. Everything I did was food for my soul. It was dying and atrophied, starving to death out there in Salt Lake. I cannot and will not ever go that long again without going home to experience things I crave and love and need in my life. But I do not believe that the window to go home is closing or will ever close. I am not ready to stop looking for something more and different. I don't believe expanding my view of the world is "the hard route." And I don't think my expectations are all unrealistic. Furthermore, I am inclined to figure out which expectations are unrealistic rather than take them as a dictated rule from people who are not living my life first-hand.

So anyway, for now, that is what I think about that.

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"It was a time I slept in many rooms, called myself by many names... I knew every kind of joy, ascents of every hue. Mine was the twilight and the morning. Mine was a world of rooftops and love songs."

-Roman Payne