cycling.

I don't know if I've ever felt quite so lost. I feel like I'm floating in the air and waiting for the plummet, like when cartoon characters run off a cliff... they realize they are going to fall, but it's too late to do anything about it... I've been on this expressway for so long that I don't know how to exit or where I should go, but the road is ending anyway so I either have to exit or drive off of it.

One of my major problems, I'm realizing, is that I have spent a lot of time talking about and thinking about my life on some larger and vague esoteric scheme, and a lot less time executing plans. Now that I will theoretically have some flexibility to execute plans, I'm completely paralyzed with fear. Except I don't even know what the fear is all about. Something, no doubt, as chiche and embarrassing as "fear of the unknown."

And it isn't like I am afraid of failure, afraid to make the "wrong choice" or do the "wrong thing." I know I have a strong safety net to catch me if I fall... I know I'll be OK if I screw up or do something dumb.. So what am I so afraid of that it is absolutely paralyzing me from taking action?

Transition points are always so tough for me. It is impossible to face a transition point without the War.

I'm at war with myself. I have this element of childhood innocence, it is the part of me whom I consider to be familiar and "myself." It is the part of me who is romantic, idealistic, and pure. Eager. Curious. Nervous. That child is in a vicious battle with a newer me. The me born out of residency is skeptical, jaded, and cynical. Suspicious. Tired.

These two sides of me really. really. hate. each other.

This pattern keeps happening to me.. Over and over. I don't know how to make it stop.

1. The Ideal. Things just are not what I imagined they might be. Every time I build something in my mind to the extent that it excites me and ignites passion, I immediately start bracing myself for what elements of it will crush me when I discover they are not real. Even though, sometimes, they seem so real that I cannot believe that they are not.

2. Reality. OK, fine, I get it. So this is the reality of the situation. I don't like it, it's not what I wanted or expected, but I can survive it and make the best of it. And the best of it is actually pretty fun! Different than what I thought, more difficult maybe, but interesting in ways I didn't expect. It's surprising! I think I want to stay here and live it and learn it but this stage is almost over. Now it is time to move on to the next thing.

3. Moving on. Wow, look at all the amazing things out there that I can do next!! It's all so wonderful and intriguing and exciting, I could do this or this or that. It will be like a utopia! I will do everything I love with perfect weather and amazing people that I love! I will be so successful and happy. Woohooo!

4. LEAP!

5. Crash.... Ouch. Wow, this really really sucks... It's not at all what I thought it would be.. (repeat, steps 1-5).

So what will break this pattern? It seems relatively straight-forward when I write it out in this way.. It seems like I need to invest in and explore step 2 a bit longer. Hang out. Learn. Grow. Stay put. Stop jumping from apartment to apartment and job to job and dream to dream and place to place and boy to boy and STOP. Bury my toes in the sand. Appreciate. This is what I really need to do. I am always looking on and forward and away and beyond, even in what I perceive to be sincere introspection I do this... instead of going deeper, I am going around and around, repeating a pattern, with a slightly different stage set each time..

Except this time I am different..

Why? Primarily because I know and see these things about myself. I realize this problem and I no longer really believe in all of these ridiculous and elaborate ideals anymore.. And it's OK. I'm comfortable with that. Comfortably numb. My fantasy land only exists in my head. I get it. I'm thankful that it is still there and exists, but it needs to stay in its place...

So, here I am. No longer looking to leap toward an ideal.. But then, so what shall I leap to now? The childish and innocent me no longer emerges in step #3, but now I come out in step #2, when it is safe again.. After the crash and injuries, when the dust settles.. I come out to explore this real world that is full of surprises and adventure, things that didn't exist in my idealized world when I was hiding out underground.. I come out curious to discover things I never even imagined.. Surprised about how much in this real world is truly exciting .. how much there is to experience and learn.. how many things that played minor and distant roles suddenly seem not only important, but wonderful and integral. Who knew that I could change in some fundamental way after obsessing internally about it for so long?

So it is different. Not only that, but in addition I have always had a "next step" in mind up until now... What does one do after professional school? I am such a rich and stupid naive little kid sometimes!? I mean, I honestly do not know. What in the hell am I going to DO?? I guess, honestly, I never really thought that part out. I don't know what I expected to happen. I thought something just sort of magically "happened." Like, *poof* a house would appear in a nice place and I'd go to a job every day and go on vacations and hang out with my family... Like how my parents were when I was a kid.. That's what happened to THEM when they finished school.. I don't know, maybe I thought I'd have some kids running around and bring them to school and stuff..? What was I thinking? I never really thought I'd just finish... and then get thrown into some giant yawning abyss with only myself to decide what the hell to do? I have to decide where to go and what to do... I thought that stuff was all just laid-out on this expressway I am on.. And it would just pop up like a rest stop.. Stop here! Clean bathrooms! No, it's more like I have to randomly take some exit that I don't even know where it leads and go find out what's on that road, then if I don't find anything there, drive over to the next town...

I'm always amazed by these people who have their lives sketched out on Excel sheets. You know the type... I have a good friend in residency who does this. He has known from the beginning exactly what he wanted to do. I wouldn't be surprised if he already has a house picked out along with a down-payment saved in his meticulous budget.. He's got this wonderful, perfect girlfriend who is sweet and pretty and fun and can't wait to say "yes." They are fun, beautiful, and "have it together." That sums up those two. He knows where and exactly what he will be doing, how many kids he will have, etc etc etc..

I don't have that. I'm more like a little kid. I feel like I've just been playing. I'll play here a while, when I'm tired of that game I'll join in on this one. When I can't afford it, I'll use fake money instead. When I get bored of this place, I'll move there. I don't think I'll like this job, so I should learn how to do something else without ever actually doing the first thing. Leap frog leap frog. And suddenly, the games have all changed.. I don't know the rules any more. What happened to all the fun leaping without consequences? What do you mean "game's over" and I have to go to work? What do you mean I have to save money for retirement? What does it mean? I've been hearing about all these things, but I wasn't expecting any of this to happen so soon.

It's not really like I'm jealous of my friend with the Life Excel sheet. I don't want that. More accurately, I am completely incapable of living that way, but it does make it slightly more terrifying when I realize... I don't have any grand plan.

In fact, I recently found my "grand plan" when I was digging around in some old stuff... Drumroll.... Here It Is:

20s - for me

30s - for my family

40s - for my kids

50s - for traveling

60s - for my grandkids/ start volunteering in national parks

70s - retire someplace naturally beautiful out west

Awesome, ain't it? I really "have it together." I was looking over it, though, and vague as it is I felt like it needed some editing, especially now as I approach my 30s.... Edited version:

20s - lots of school, wander, explore intriguing places

30s - explore more places and hobbies, search for meaning and satisfaction in my work, family if opportunity presents

40s - find a place to call home, otherwise depends on what happens in the 30s

50s - define and live my career

60s - taper off work, road trip it lots and lots, read as much as possible

70s - retire someplace beautiful and peaceful, stay out of medical facilities, DNR/DNI

80s - reflect about what my life was all about, move farther away from the evil grasp of medical facilities if necessary

90s - tell stories, listen to stories, die in peace

And now, here I have done it again.. Not any closer to making any concrete decisions or plans whatsoever, but feeling just a little more comfortable with who I am currently... And I think currently, despite feeling scared about what is next and fear of the unknown, now after thinking it through perhaps it isn't so paralyzing any more. I am changing a little in that I am not idealizing this next step. I feel prepared that it will be something both real and unknown. It will not be what is in my mind. I feel excited to discover something new, curious to see where my current life is leading, open to a new form of emotional intimacy that is completely foreign to me, hopeful that I can continue playing and exploring as long as possible, until the end... wherever it may lead.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

We have our secrets and our needs to confess. We may remember how, in childhood, adults were able to first look right through us, and into us, and what an accomplishment when we, in fear and trembling, could tell our first lie, and make, for ourselves, the discovery that we are irredeemably alone in certain respects, and know that within the territory of ourselves, there can be only our own footprints.

R D Laing, the divided self

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

"but already she seemed far away, not in distance, not in time, but in some dimension for which there is no name. Reality, perhaps.'

The Magus, John Fowles

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

(L'esprit humain fait progres toujours, mais c'est progres en spirale.)

- Madame de Stael

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------