question of the day.

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Here I am again, looking Forward, Backward, but never down at my feet. I have been sooooo nostalgic this week. I think watching HBO's Treme series is doing it to me. And then, of course I went and watched Warren Miller's annual ski film and Utah is all over it… What about here and now? The problem has been, and continues to be, I don't much care about the here and now. I'm perpetually unimpressed with my surroundings.. And why? It feels like nothing is ever as good as it "was."


It's an age-old problem, right? This is not a new story or concept. My problem is… sometimes it really "is" as good as it gets. I think the times I am reminiscing about in New Orleans are really what life is all about. They are real. It was such a great time and place when I lived there. And the same thing with Utah. The thing about Utah was.. Residency was so horrible, and I missed New Orleans so much… but sometimes Utah really was "the best." Being up on a mountain on a glorious day on any given day… magical. It's why I moved there and it was everything I hoped for. And when I think I must be romanticizing it, I just go back there and it exists again! It's still there waiting for me to come back to it, this world of what life should be all about. I don't have anything like that right now. My life now is just so "not anything." I'm just going through the motions, up to work, eat the same thing every day, work out, go to sleep, again and again and again. Blah. Where's all the living!? I think I could possibly try to recreate it here, but I'm so stuck in a perpetual world of rigid practicality right now.. "Oh, it costs too much. Oh, I should get some sleep. Oh, I can't eat that it's too many calories. Oh, I can't drink that I won't feel fresh tomorrow. Oh, I don't want to go out it's raining. Let me log my calories and check my budget and make sure I get my 8 hours of sleep and 2 showers a day… " Well, what about everything else?? Am I really just going to sit here in this yuppie townhouse wasting away for all eternity because it's the most practical and sustainable option? Sustainable for what?? Living to be old, healthy, rich, and skinny until I finally die of being bored to death?? This is killing me. It's not ME!! I'm from Louisiana! C'mon, seriously, what am I doing??


It happens, from time to time, usually at these transitions, that I sit back and wonder what the heck I am doing with myself and why. This is one of those times. Why do I live 2 time zones and 2600 miles from my grandmother? Why? I love her more than almost anyone in the world, and she just turned 80 years old and I missed her birthday party. For what purpose did I make this choice? My family just celebrated our first Thanksgiving without PawPaw, right after his house was demolished a few weeks ago. Where was I? Working in Lynnwood. Washington.


Seriously? What in the hell is going on.


Of course I know that every day can't be exciting or fresh, and being surrounded by family and familiar settings is not always what I crave… but surely they are important to have in life within accessible range? In Louisiana, it's always right there. If you want it, take it. If not, just sit back and take it easy.. because you can have it whenever you want.


The thing that's sustaining me right now is my schedule and my ability to travel so much. It's not practical or economical or reasonable, but damnit it is my escape from all this monotonous crap of daily life. I can go away and be free again. Why can't I make my life this way again here and now? Is it a place? Is it an age? Is it the people I am around? Is it my job? I suspect it must be a combination of all those pieces that sometimes magically synchronize into a beautiful Zen, but it's hard to maintain that state. It requires being more true to yourself than I'm currently capable of for some reason... I would like to keep trying, though. What was it about those times that made me so carefree and happy with such a joie de vie, and why can't I recreate that reliably and consistently? That is the question of the day.



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And the day came

when the risk it took

to remain tight inside the bud

was more painful

than the risk it took to blossom.

-Anais Nin

----------------------------------------------------------------------


Don't bend; don't water it down; don't try to make it logical; don't edit your own soul according to the fashion. Rather, follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly."

-Franz Kafka


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"The cabin passenger wrote in his diary a parody of Descartes: 'I feel discomfort, therefore I am alive,' then sat pen in hand with no more to record."

-Graham Greene (A Burnt-Out Case)


Comments

  1. DORIANNovember 27, 2011 at 11:00 AM

    Nice. Your blogs are always fun to read.
    One thing you should remember about the Zen is that it can not be maintained through a willful effort. As you suspect, it occurs when the combination of all your parts are allowed to synchronize and be in Harmony with Nature/Tao/God's will/etc. but you should remember that all the various human states will come and go, as change is the Rule, and not the exception. The real ZEN achievement is to allow yourself to experience the Highs and lows without letting your mind get fixated in any particular place.
    Master say "All that you experience is created by your own Heart/Mind", SO to figure out "what the hell is going on" means to detach yourself from it long enough to see what's in there.

    "What was it about those times that made me so carefree and happy with such a joie de vie..." Master would say your heart was still free and open as a child.
    "why can't I recreate that reliably and consistently?" because you've "grown up" i.e. you've allowed the troubles of the world to take root in your heart.


    peace,
    Dorian

    ReplyDelete

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