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It was interesting to be home again. I have really been dreading the topics that I knew would come up. Dreading. Primarily because I decided I do not really intend to go directly home after residency, and I know my family expected me to... or if they do not expect it, they really want me to come home. But secondly because I am not at the phase of life that I am " supposed to be" at this point.. This imposed sense of failed anticipation has been growing slowly and insidiously, and I have noticed it has been creeping a shadow over my time at home.. These topics are inescapable. In many ways, I do not feel like I owe anyone any explanation to any of these questions. Mainly, this is because I feel that I have been at least moderately successful so far in my life, and I have done this while maintaining solid relationships with people who are important to me. Also, I experience my life to the maximum extent that I know how to do it at each stop.. I think I have been living richl...

I've been waiting for this to happen to me. For quite some time, I have known there might come a time when I may no longer care about anything related to my job... Recently, I got called in to work a 24h call shift that I forgot I was supposed to be working. If things don't make it onto my Google Calendar, they do not exist to me. There are too many demands that have no pattern whatsoever for me to keep track of them all. It is absolutely ridiculous. So, yesterday I was scheduled to be the senior on the medicine service with a new intern. After last night, I have now worked with every single new intern on either their first or second call shift as a resident ever..... I drew the short straw there. But, actually, the interns are all pretty great and it is sometimes fun and amusing, and even occasionally refreshing to be around people who are excited, nervous, and curious about this job before those feelings inevitably get replaced by apathy and cynicism.. or emptiness. I ...

"disorder is more probable than order." Today got me thinking about the concept of Entropy. It is a fascinating concept to think about. It made me miss my engineering days.. It seems like everything in engineering had: 1. a definition. (usually characterized by an equation). 2. a derivation. (a clear explanation of how you arrived to your stated definition). 3. a problem. (i.e. a reason that it matters to know this information; the whole point of all of this, some means of progress to arrive at a certain answer to a clear question..). Man, I miss that stuff so. freaking. much. sometimes... This day all started in such an interesting way. For some reason, over coffee this morning, a colleage and I got on the conversation topic of "the order of randomness." We weren't talking about entropy in the engineering sense.. No, those days of Clarity and Reason are Over. We were discussing Medicine... Ever been to a Journal Club? Believe me, it is painful...

I ran across this excerpt below in my journal last night, because I am back into "reflective mode." I am starting to recognize these patterns in my life, probably because I write my whole life down. I was reflecting back over the past 2 years to give me some clue about where to go next... I had a meeting last night to discuss my Future, which causes me to have horrendous abdominal pain and continued Insomnia. In the end, my advisor and I had formulated a Plan of Action for me to face the next step on this road.. My advisor and I have many similarities, which is one of many reasons that I love my advisor so much. He went straight through school all the way through residency. He had a crisis of meaning during residency and almost quit... He was single and alone in a new town for the first time since leaving home... He was lost at the end trying to decide what to do next, because it was completely and entirely up to him. He looked around and saw one coworker going to this town b...

I thought maybe I'd post something positive for a change this week... because this has been a strangely and amazingly positive week for me. I felt the thing. "The thing" = satisfaction. I was in clinic a lot over the past 2 weeks, which I have described in the past as a rather painful experience, as illustrated below.. *Post-menopausal Vaginal Bleeding, oh and by the way I also have a weird rash on my butt and I no longer want to have sex with my husband. Fix me. 8 minutes. *My back hurts. I realize I weigh 450lb, but my degenerative joint disease is totally genetic, all of my relatives also have it. I can no longer walk. I ride in an automatic wheelchair that was given to me through Medicaid. I do not work. I can't. The pain is too bad. Make the pain stop. Fix me. 6 minutes. *My tummy hurts. The surgeons have now taken out every possible piece of my gut that could possibly be instigating this pain. "If I had known the surgical recovery would hurt this...

1. My entire life has become charting other peoples' HPIs... 2. I really hate Public Displays of Affection and Pet Names... in general... but also, and especially, when they are inflicted upon me. 3. I just love roses. And I admit, as pathetic as it sounds, that part of me really wanted to fall in love with Portland, OR just because its nickname is "City of Roses."... Sad but True. 4. I think if I had to choose one meal to live on forever, it would be hummus, tomatoes, avocados, crackers, and cheese. And wine. And chocolate... 5. I am the world's greatest procrastinator. Down to the point that I am wondering right now what time something is due today, while I am doing this ridiculous crap instead... And I probably would not be doing this if something wasn't due today. 6. I need a better word for "Lost." I'm sick of that word. Is there another word for that? I guess, soon enough, I'll be able to call it "mid-life crisis." Then, soon the...