troisième partie.

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1. My entire life has become charting other peoples' HPIs...


2. I really hate Public Displays of Affection and Pet Names... in general... but also, and especially, when they are inflicted upon me.

3. I just love roses. And I admit, as pathetic as it sounds, that part of me really wanted to fall in love with Portland, OR just because its nickname is "City of Roses."... Sad but True.

4. I think if I had to choose one meal to live on forever, it would be hummus, tomatoes, avocados, crackers, and cheese. And wine. And chocolate...

5. I am the world's greatest procrastinator. Down to the point that I am wondering right now what time something is due today, while I am doing this ridiculous crap instead... And I probably would not be doing this if something wasn't due today.

6. I need a better word for "Lost." I'm sick of that word. Is there another word for that? I guess, soon enough, I'll be able to call it "mid-life crisis." Then, soon thereafter "Dementia."

7. I have a really irrational fear of Scuba Diving. I used to think this was a claustrophobia thing, but now I think I have created its fear simply by thinking about the fear itself way too damned much.

8. I wonder how many things in my life have become self-derived stereotypes for that same reason. Like if you think it enough times, the truth gets hidden behind the phrase you created to describe it... And then you keep repeating it to the point of numbness, and the actual phrase no longer means anything at all... Some examples of mine: Hatred for California, Disdain for Politics, Louisiana is so Humid, Clinic equals Pain, Need for Solitude. General Disgust at the Thought of Owning Furniture. Tattoos mean Commitment. Massages are Gross...

9. I can't decide where to move to next... But I know I'm not staying here.

10. I really love to lift weights. It just sends adrenaline pumping through my body. Kind of like running, but you have to run for way longer to experience the same sensation.

11. As much as I complain about Utah, living in Salt Lake City has been one of the most unique experiences I've ever had, and perhaps ever will. The euphoria to desperation ratio was like something like 1:20 here... Except the euphoria was on par with something like orgasm... So it's hard to just give it a "1".. It's like one moment of explosion for every 20 minutes of horrible kissing. So it's hard to say if it was worth it or not. So sorry for that comparison.. But it's pretty much true.

12. Proust is my secret, dead soulmate.

13. Months and months ago, I set my watch alarm to ring at 1600 for some reason that I can't recall.. It rings every day now at that time. At first, I was just too lazy to unset the alarm, and now I just really want to be reminded daily that the end of the workday is imminent...

14. Nirvana: the state of peace and happiness in achieving freedom from the endless cycles of reincarnation. A state of freedom from pain, worry, and the external world.

15. Confession. I get hugely anxious if I don't carry my iPhone with me wherever I go.. Like I might get lost. Or want to take a picture. Or need to jot down a note. Or be driven to text someone something the minute I think of it. Or, you know, ask "the oracle" some esoteric definition or traffic law that I really want to know in that instant.. The whole idea of this dependence makes me upset, and consequently more anxious.

16. Sometimes, in some rare situations, I really like my job (shhh... ) But, I still wish it wasn't such a overwhelming Globe on my back.. If, say, I were Atlas.

17. I used to think I would be a good mom. Now, I think I've become too selfish of my precious free time to include anyone else in it. But I do really love children. I'll be so happy once my sisters have children, but also so sad to lose them to it...

18. I've made a bucket list for Utah... which translated to the immediate feeling of sadness in recognizing that my time here is limited... I think this is called "Irony."

19. I love old people so much. Their stories about what was, their mannerisms about how it is, their confidence about what will be, their shame about what they now are...

20. What is it about commitment to anything at all that makes my skin crawl like I'm covered in Scorpions?

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The sense of unhappiness is so much easier to convey than that of happiness. In misery we seem aware of our own existence, even though it may be in the form of a monstrous egotism: this pain of mine mine is individual, this nerve that winces belongs to me and to no other. But happiness annihilates us: we lose our identity.

-The End of the Affair, Graham Greene

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