seasons of change.

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Just like that, it happens. Skip and a heartbeat and Bam. It's Fall.


Seasons are like that.


It feels like it's been Summer Forever, then suddenly it's cool and leaves are yellow and orange and red, and you are totally shocked that it's already time for Fall again.


Same with everything. I'm learning that about life. The first time you really notice the change of seasons, it's all very exciting and new and fresh. Then you notice the same things happening again and again, in a pattern. You say the same things, expect the same answers.. Then just as the pattern seems to be hopelessly dull, you get a hailstorm in June to remind you that everything is not about patterns anyway...


Skip and a heartbeat and Bam. You're sitting across a dinner table from somebody new and exciting. Again. Every conversation, every touch, has this spark of something intriguing and mysterious to be determined. Which leaf will turn next? Will it be warm or cool today? Then just as the whole pattern of it seems hopelessly dull, you get a real answer to a real question and think that perhaps some people may be honest after all, rather than programmed...


Skip and a heartbeat and Bam. You're admitting a sad, old patient. He has maggots in a skin wound and can't take care of himself. You're asking him the same questions, getting the same old demented and vague answers. You pity him, but not really because you've heard the same sad story too many damned times... What do you like to do? Where do you like to travel? Then just as the whole pattern of it seems hopelessly dull, the patient tells you that he used to love to dance, and he's really sad that he can't anymore.. And you realize that this guy is different from all the others.


Skip and a heartbeat and Bam. You are alone again. Relishing your time and privacy, reading and writing again because you have time for it again. You're following a well-tread path, and it feels good to be back. In solitude. You have no obligation to cook or make jokes or wade through the muddy obligations of partnership. You don't have to pretend to want to do anything that you really just don't want to do. You are freed from that sticky spiderweb of entrapment, at least temporarily. You make your coffee every morning and your green tea every night, perform all the same rituals with only your own thoughts and your own choice of music for company. What medications do you take? What operations have you had? Then just as the whole pattern of it seems hopeless dull, you discover an incredible connection with another person that changes your definition of "together."


Skip and a heartbeat and Bam. You're facing another decision fork in the highway of your life. You're making the same worthless lists, weighing the same proportions of meaningless crap that you've gotten accustomed to: salary, benefits, location, etc. Where are you going to go next? What are you going to do? Should you buy a house? Where do you think you'll be in 5 years? Then just as the whole pattern of it seems hopelessly dull, you realize that you have a choice. It's not a predetermined season. You can acknowledge what is important to you, and if you're really honest with yourself, you might end up happy.


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We are always paid for our suspicion by finding what we suspect.
Henry David Thoreau.


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These things creep on you before you know where you are. Suddenly you are calling someone Bear or Ticki, and the real names seem bald and formal, and the next you know they hate you for it.

-The Heart of the Matter, Graham Greene

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What's this? This is an old toolshed.

No, this is a great past love.


Anxiety and Joy were here together

in this darkness

and Hope.

Perhaps I've been here once before.

I didn't go near to find out.


These are voices calling out of a dream.

No, this is a great love.

No, this is an old toolshed.


-An Old Toolshed-

Yehuda Amichai

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