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Lately, I can’t help but dwell on my state of unwellness. I feel like I’m drowning in a pool of my own self-pity.. Hoping to find a little release and catharsis in writing out my feelings and thoughts here..  Imagine this: you are required to work 24 hour shifts every 3rd night or so during which you do not sleep. You do not drink enough water because you do not have time to urinate. You eat whatever you can get your hands on quickly. The cafeteria only serves expensive, frankly unhealthy food. When you sleep for undefined periods of downtime, it is severely interrupted and poor quality. The next day you are in a state of fatigue but are somehow “wound-up.” Probably because you are so addicted to coffee that if you don’t drink it you get a severe headache and can’t sleep, but if you do drink it you are caffeinated and can’t sleep. Probably also because it’s hard to wind down when you’ve been telling your body that it’s not OK to wind down for such prolonged periods of time. ...

I am hesitant to write about this, but writing things generally helps me to sort out my thoughts when I am confused or conflicted. I am really struggling with understanding these “trans-identity” topics of news discussion lately. I welcome comments, especially to educate me about these topics. I am quite open-minded (even if I don’t seem like it from this writing) about these issues and I am trying to understand them more fully.  I have been following the narrative of Caitlyn Jenner from the time of the Vanity Fair cover reveal of her new name and identity. In general, I think I am of the “live and let live” camp, and I am proud of the open-mindedness and discussion we have fostered in our country about challenging topics of societal change and acceptance. I am a strong supporter of gender equality and smoothing out the “fluidity” of our “genders.” I don’t think that all women should have long hair, wear makeup and dresses, and stay home with their babies any more than all...

1. I have learned many times in my life so far that there is always a little more stretch. Even when you don't think it is possible.. 2. Night float insomnia: Trying to decide exactly when and how to sleep enough while on night float. The struggle is real.  3. It's interesting how often I have felt "mommy guilt" as a baseline mood over approximately 2 months since returning to work. And how much I have discovered it to be about that, me.. The baby is just fine. He loves me. Even when I don't see him for a few days in a row. He loves his daddy. Even though he has to do all of our life chores often instead of playing with him. And he loves daycare. Despite it being an infant viral cesspool of chaos. Babies are cool like that. They kind of get it more than we do. He looks at me sometimes with his expression telling me "C'est la vie, mom." And he's right. That's life.  4. I know I'll be a good mom, but there is a constant ...

1. If you think Google is scary when you are worried there is something wrong with you, try googling stuff when you think there is something wrong with your baby… 2. I have been constantly amazed in this adult life at how little sleep one can live with. I thought residency had already taught me this lesson. Nope, a baby is a whole new level of sleep deprivation. Continuous, relentless sleep deprivation. But at least no one is expecting you to function as a physician in this state… oh, wait... uhhh... 3. Postpartum anxiety… Yeah, that’s more like it. 4. Baby tracking apps have taken my tendency toward obsessive compulsive disorder to a new level. 5. I was never really sure before, but now I know that I would not do well as a stay-at-home mom… I would seriously drive myself completely insane. 6. I planned to use my maternity leave/FMLA time to study for my Boards. Haha. ha.. ha…. 7. I was lucky and blessed enough to have a safe, (relatively) easy, natural ...

1. Sort of shocked to pass my 6 month wedding anniversary 6 months pregnant. But I guess not really, because the main reason I wanted to get married was to have kiddos... And let's face it, I come from one fertile familia... 2. Randomly, I miss my pre-pregnant abs… a lot.  3. It's difficult to decide what someone else's name should be.. i.e. my child... Which makes me think how difficult it will be to make so many other decisions that will shape another person's life.. 4. It's so cool to grow a baby, but it's so uncool to expand in this manner.. 5. Virgin piña coladas taste almost exactly like alcoholic piña coladas.. Like diabetes. And tropical humidity. 6. Going through a second residency sucks bad. Hope it'll be worth it in the end. 7. Sad, but not surprised, that almost all of my best friends ended up on the far West Coast. Miss them. It's just too far. 8. Speaking of, how the hell and why did so many people I know end up...

I think it might be safe to say that my early pregnancy may have been some of the most confusing days of my life…  There have been many times in my life when some ethical question has been raised that was “fun” to ponder over. Or maybe I’d even get defensive, or step onto some moral high ground about what is clearly the “right” thing to do in this scenario. Most of the time, I enjoy arguing both sides and trying to persuade myself that they have equal validity ethically, which is what makes them an ethical puzzle in the first place.  My first exposure to genetic screening for prenatal care was actually as a family medicine physician. I learned some basic things, listened to some of my teachers and attendings explaining the testing to patients, and then started counseling patients myself. Like many things that I repeat often (informed consent, etc), I developed a sort of script that I would repeat to each patient. It went something like this: “There is genetic screenin...

1. According to my calendar, I'm getting married in 2 weeks. Whoa. 2. I haven't lost 10lb. Or quit biting my nails. Or gotten my hair cut in 8 months. Or dyed out the new white strands of hair. Or had some expensive face skin peel to make me look younger. I still have never had a manicure or pedicure. Which means, I suppose, that I will be appearing at my wedding as "Em." 3. I think I'm old enough to say now that I understand something my mom told me as a young adult. Life milestones always feel strange. You look forward when you're younger and wonder who you'll be and what you'll think when you finally ______.. (move away from home, get married, become a doctor, lose a loved one, become an Aunt). And then it happens and you really are that same kid who wondered about it so long ago. It feels like a strange disconnect to me. Almost like it's not happening to you but instead there is a Narrator and and Actor of your life. And your brain is...