c'est la vie.
So i'm laying here thinking with my green tea and some music. A familiar pattern.. Having the luxury of time to think happens to me in cycles, as most things do.. I'm off tomorrow. Hallelujah.
I have a lot of random and unorganized things on my mind lately, but none have been all that significant or clear, so they have all been limited to my bulging, pester-ridden journal.. The journal that I'm sure would prefer I find better things to do with my time.. Also, as a rule, I have much less time to write about stupid crap in the Winter. I am playing in the snow. Leave a message. I'll call you back when I have time. See you in the Summer. Dear Journal, I am merely writing for courtesy's sake so that you don't feel neglected.
But there are things.. Things on my mind.
I have a hard time with these moments that make you think, is this really "it"? Is this what my life is? They happen to me all the time.
I've thought about this a lot and realize that I and probably many other people wake up suddenly feeling that their present lives are quite unexpected. Is this "it"? My life = this. Whoa. How did this happen?
This is my life. My current, "wow, this is it?" moment is the fact that I cannot ever find solitude. Me! It's shocking sometimes how far I stray from the few things I know with perfect clarity that make me feel at peace. Like drinking my green tea at night and thinking about my day over my journal. Alone. Or going on a wandering walk outside. By myself. I've been noticing recently that I can often go entire days at a time without more than 1 hour of not being around other people. This translates to the fact that I have absolutely no opportunity to decompress or think…I can't think any thought through to completion. It is so draining for me. From almost the instant I wake up until almost the moment I fall asleep, I'm either talking or listening to somebody, or someone is following me around asking me questions, or vice versa… The other day, I got 2 phone calls and a page while I was peeing. ARRRHHHHHHH!!!!!!! I suppose most people live this way, with families and such, but I do not do well with it. at. all. Please. For the love of peace in the world. Please. Just please leave me the hell alone. Shhhhhh… Quiet. Silence. Music. Please let me walk alone or lie down and focus on my breathing. Don't even think about talking to me. I'm thinking. Or relishing the fact that I am not thinking about anything whatsoever.
On the other hand, I can distinctly remember thinking this sentiment not so long ago in exact opposite terms… It happened when I walked into my (previous) apartment and it was empty because I lived alone, looked around to a few dirty dishes and a boring fridge. There was no one to talk to. Nothing really to do. So, I cracked a beer and a book, put my feet up and thought, "Hm, I guess this is 'it.' This is my life."
For some people, their "is this it?" moment is shuttling children around all day or working around the clock to make ends meet or dreaming about where their next drink will come from.. I bet all of us are thinking the same thing sometimes, "Is this it?" Some of us more than others, I'm sure.
Because of the nature of my job, I can always compare my own personal thoughts to the the very personal feelings people share with me at work. For example, I hear this same theme a lot from Moms in my clinic. "I can't believe this is my life." Their kids are running around creating a atmosphere of pure chaos in the room, screaming, pulling out the stirrups for gyn exams, opening drawers and finding the reflex hammer, banging their heads on the table, emptying the glove boxes. The moms sitting there trying to control them, but exhausted, and it's almost like she feels like she can just sigh and be annoyed with the whole thing for a minute. She's safe. Doesn't have to prove anything to me, after all I'm a doctor and I've "seen everything and probably worse, too"… It's usually the ex-career moms or the highly educated moms that seem to really embody that sentiment. They can't believe their life has come to revolve around picking up the same thing off the floor over and over and over and over, and often they are in the clinic because their little one is sick or needs shots.. either of which are making their lives even more of a temporary pain in the butt… They love their kids, you can tell, but it's just an example of that moment, "Wow. This is It." The other group I often hear it from are single business people in their 30s when I'm asking their social histories -- "what's your work, what are your sexual habits, are you married, do you have kids, how much do you drink, how much do you smoke?" -- It's routine history for me, but sometimes I see in a patient's face that they suddenly realize in that quick series of questions that they can't believe their life has basically reduced down to making money and having way too much crap without any sense of any greater meaning… I know it, too, because then they will often share that exact feeling with me. This has happened multiple times. They're usually coming in to get tested for STDs again.
One of my teachers who is recently divorced was sharing a similar feeling with me today. She can't believe she's 50, divorced, a single mother, and dating…
I guess ultimately what this makes me think about is: Well, what is this esoteric thing we all expect our lives to be instead? Life happens, and this is where we are currently. It doesn't really mean anything besides that. Does it?
Good question.
It really makes me reflect about a few things… One is that I really hope to feel secure and satisfied with myself because there is a good chance I will need to be around myself for a long time, with or without other people involved. Secondly, I don't want to fall into a trap of a false tunnel of some artificially, meticulously planned life that is not concordant with who I really am just because it seems like a pretty package… Those who fall into that trap seem to be the most discontented with their lives. "Huh? How the f--- did I end up in this life? This life doesn't have anything to do with me?" They think back and remember getting an ad, Look Here! Sign on the Line! Beautiful home on the water with a garden and nice neighbors in the suburbs of Houston for no money down and 1% interest!!…. or…… Enter this door. Beautiful people who desperately want to get married. If you agree, you win: a house, kids, lifelong security, and the opportunity to never have to go on another bad date!
That might initially sound like some kind of great deal, but do you really want to move to the suburbs of Houston and buy a house??? Or marry some desperate freak you don't even know? Absolutely not. Life is lined with these hidden mines. It reminds me of head-hunter spam that is flooding my Inbox.
Is it possible, I wonder, to end up where you want to be simply by taking a series of steps that seem appealing at the time? Do you really have to have some grand goal then plan your life toward that? If it is the former, I will be OK.. I like to live that way and it keeps things interesting for me, although the trade-off is that I often feel quite lost without a grand plan and I still occasionally wind up feeling somewhat trapped temporarily while waiting out a decision that didn't work out quite as I planned. If it is the latter, I guess I need some grand goal to work toward. The problem with living that way is that my "grand plan" goals are all sort of dependent on what happens in the interim. All these random details of "life" are dependent on what else happens! For example, if I find a dream job doing something I love that happens to be in a Houston suburb and also fall in love with a wonderful man and get pregnant, that packaged house might be perfect for me! But those are quite a lot of random steps that are not directly within my control that would have to happen for that to be my goal. And then, I suppose it's no longer a goal, but instead a sequelae of choices leading to an endpoint. I suppose I could imagine that my current relationship might work out and I could have kids and live in some house somewhere with a family. But it seems I could just as easily never be able to successfully sustain a relationship and wind up like my old neighbor in New Orleans, a kind of a weird cat lady who never got married and wandered around forever. I really don't know. I kind of feel like I just have to see what happens and follow my instincts.
This is all coming from within a lost wanderer. Trying to figure out what to do with myself. By trying not to get trapped by external forces or internal psychoses. Enjoying the small blessings of my current "it" and waiting to find out what the next may be.
je ne sais pas.
c'est la vie, eh?
I have a lot of random and unorganized things on my mind lately, but none have been all that significant or clear, so they have all been limited to my bulging, pester-ridden journal.. The journal that I'm sure would prefer I find better things to do with my time.. Also, as a rule, I have much less time to write about stupid crap in the Winter. I am playing in the snow. Leave a message. I'll call you back when I have time. See you in the Summer. Dear Journal, I am merely writing for courtesy's sake so that you don't feel neglected.
But there are things.. Things on my mind.
I have a hard time with these moments that make you think, is this really "it"? Is this what my life is? They happen to me all the time.
I've thought about this a lot and realize that I and probably many other people wake up suddenly feeling that their present lives are quite unexpected. Is this "it"? My life = this. Whoa. How did this happen?
This is my life. My current, "wow, this is it?" moment is the fact that I cannot ever find solitude. Me! It's shocking sometimes how far I stray from the few things I know with perfect clarity that make me feel at peace. Like drinking my green tea at night and thinking about my day over my journal. Alone. Or going on a wandering walk outside. By myself. I've been noticing recently that I can often go entire days at a time without more than 1 hour of not being around other people. This translates to the fact that I have absolutely no opportunity to decompress or think…I can't think any thought through to completion. It is so draining for me. From almost the instant I wake up until almost the moment I fall asleep, I'm either talking or listening to somebody, or someone is following me around asking me questions, or vice versa… The other day, I got 2 phone calls and a page while I was peeing. ARRRHHHHHHH!!!!!!! I suppose most people live this way, with families and such, but I do not do well with it. at. all. Please. For the love of peace in the world. Please. Just please leave me the hell alone. Shhhhhh… Quiet. Silence. Music. Please let me walk alone or lie down and focus on my breathing. Don't even think about talking to me. I'm thinking. Or relishing the fact that I am not thinking about anything whatsoever.
On the other hand, I can distinctly remember thinking this sentiment not so long ago in exact opposite terms… It happened when I walked into my (previous) apartment and it was empty because I lived alone, looked around to a few dirty dishes and a boring fridge. There was no one to talk to. Nothing really to do. So, I cracked a beer and a book, put my feet up and thought, "Hm, I guess this is 'it.' This is my life."
For some people, their "is this it?" moment is shuttling children around all day or working around the clock to make ends meet or dreaming about where their next drink will come from.. I bet all of us are thinking the same thing sometimes, "Is this it?" Some of us more than others, I'm sure.
Because of the nature of my job, I can always compare my own personal thoughts to the the very personal feelings people share with me at work. For example, I hear this same theme a lot from Moms in my clinic. "I can't believe this is my life." Their kids are running around creating a atmosphere of pure chaos in the room, screaming, pulling out the stirrups for gyn exams, opening drawers and finding the reflex hammer, banging their heads on the table, emptying the glove boxes. The moms sitting there trying to control them, but exhausted, and it's almost like she feels like she can just sigh and be annoyed with the whole thing for a minute. She's safe. Doesn't have to prove anything to me, after all I'm a doctor and I've "seen everything and probably worse, too"… It's usually the ex-career moms or the highly educated moms that seem to really embody that sentiment. They can't believe their life has come to revolve around picking up the same thing off the floor over and over and over and over, and often they are in the clinic because their little one is sick or needs shots.. either of which are making their lives even more of a temporary pain in the butt… They love their kids, you can tell, but it's just an example of that moment, "Wow. This is It." The other group I often hear it from are single business people in their 30s when I'm asking their social histories -- "what's your work, what are your sexual habits, are you married, do you have kids, how much do you drink, how much do you smoke?" -- It's routine history for me, but sometimes I see in a patient's face that they suddenly realize in that quick series of questions that they can't believe their life has basically reduced down to making money and having way too much crap without any sense of any greater meaning… I know it, too, because then they will often share that exact feeling with me. This has happened multiple times. They're usually coming in to get tested for STDs again.
One of my teachers who is recently divorced was sharing a similar feeling with me today. She can't believe she's 50, divorced, a single mother, and dating…
I guess ultimately what this makes me think about is: Well, what is this esoteric thing we all expect our lives to be instead? Life happens, and this is where we are currently. It doesn't really mean anything besides that. Does it?
Good question.
It really makes me reflect about a few things… One is that I really hope to feel secure and satisfied with myself because there is a good chance I will need to be around myself for a long time, with or without other people involved. Secondly, I don't want to fall into a trap of a false tunnel of some artificially, meticulously planned life that is not concordant with who I really am just because it seems like a pretty package… Those who fall into that trap seem to be the most discontented with their lives. "Huh? How the f--- did I end up in this life? This life doesn't have anything to do with me?" They think back and remember getting an ad, Look Here! Sign on the Line! Beautiful home on the water with a garden and nice neighbors in the suburbs of Houston for no money down and 1% interest!!…. or…… Enter this door. Beautiful people who desperately want to get married. If you agree, you win: a house, kids, lifelong security, and the opportunity to never have to go on another bad date!
That might initially sound like some kind of great deal, but do you really want to move to the suburbs of Houston and buy a house??? Or marry some desperate freak you don't even know? Absolutely not. Life is lined with these hidden mines. It reminds me of head-hunter spam that is flooding my Inbox.
Is it possible, I wonder, to end up where you want to be simply by taking a series of steps that seem appealing at the time? Do you really have to have some grand goal then plan your life toward that? If it is the former, I will be OK.. I like to live that way and it keeps things interesting for me, although the trade-off is that I often feel quite lost without a grand plan and I still occasionally wind up feeling somewhat trapped temporarily while waiting out a decision that didn't work out quite as I planned. If it is the latter, I guess I need some grand goal to work toward. The problem with living that way is that my "grand plan" goals are all sort of dependent on what happens in the interim. All these random details of "life" are dependent on what else happens! For example, if I find a dream job doing something I love that happens to be in a Houston suburb and also fall in love with a wonderful man and get pregnant, that packaged house might be perfect for me! But those are quite a lot of random steps that are not directly within my control that would have to happen for that to be my goal. And then, I suppose it's no longer a goal, but instead a sequelae of choices leading to an endpoint. I suppose I could imagine that my current relationship might work out and I could have kids and live in some house somewhere with a family. But it seems I could just as easily never be able to successfully sustain a relationship and wind up like my old neighbor in New Orleans, a kind of a weird cat lady who never got married and wandered around forever. I really don't know. I kind of feel like I just have to see what happens and follow my instincts.
This is all coming from within a lost wanderer. Trying to figure out what to do with myself. By trying not to get trapped by external forces or internal psychoses. Enjoying the small blessings of my current "it" and waiting to find out what the next may be.
je ne sais pas.
c'est la vie, eh?
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Why should we live with such hurry and waste of life? We are determined to be starved before we are hungry.- Henry David Thoreau
To be honest, when I look back in the past, I've been completed, I've been broken, I've been happy, I've been sad - Lauren Williams
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