i am jack's numbing apathy.

I have a lot to do. I have some projects to complete, decisions to make. I have to find a job. Decide where to live. What type of job to do. I have an inbox that is always full of crap to deal with. I always have 10-20 more notes to write.

I am completely apathetic about the whole thing. All of it. Shrug. Apathy.

So naturally, I am trying to self-diagnose my affliction. The most likely diagnosis is depression/anxiety and this makes perfect sense. My abdomen was in such a tangle of horrible - i mean terrible - abdominal pain at the end of my clinic session today that I thought I might have to do the unthinkable…. go to a doctor. I couldn't even stand up straight anymore. But thankfully, I pushed through and did something much more productive and useful… Yoga. Just think, I could be in a CT scanner or under the gooey eyes of an ultrasound probe right now racking up thousands of dollars of expenses. I maybe could have even gotten shot up with some narcs. Thank goodness I know better.

The funny thing is that I am still enjoying most things. I just don't give a crap what they are. In fact, I can enjoy them more if I don't have to make a single decision leading to whatever activity I am undertaking. Yeah sure, we can do that. Or this. Or anything. I still very much love to do most of my social and exercise activities. I just don't have a strong preference for which or when.

It's almost like I've been beaten down into rubbery submission. I don't want to argue for anything. I don't want to persuade anybody. I just want to either do my own thing unchallenged or do whatever someone else more adamantly wants me to do. I'm tired of the game. And anyway, does it really matter? I think not.

"Staffing" patients follows this pattern. My attending would have done this differently. And that. And change that coding. Counsel about that. "Did you check a vitamin D?" Because, after all, everyone is deficient in vitamin D and it is the source of all evil in the world even though humans have been growing and thriving for eons without it. They had chest pain and you didn't do an EKG (even though it was burning after eating spicy foods)? You need to call them back now.

My answer is always resoundingly, "OK." *shrug*

The disease extends though, it is pervasive in my life. For example, where do I want to live? I simply cannot decide. I could talk myself into or out of absolutely anywhere. Literally. You name it, I'll have a 24 hour anxiety attack about the pros and cons. But at the end of the day, I. Don't. Care. At. All. I'd like to live in New Orleans. Or Vermont. Or Seattle. Or Alaska. Or California. Or better yet, Salt. Lake. City…. A place I never had any intention or desire to stay. But how easy! A decision-less option. Already have my license. Know my way around. Wouldn't have to move. Easy airport. Dating a nice guy here who loves it. Why move? Besides, apparently I don't care anyway.

Hey Em, want to go climbing or a concert or a bar or a restaurant or sit on your ass at home in front of the TV with a beer? Sure. Sounds good to me. Which one? I don't know. And most of all, I don't care. They all have their blessings and curses.

Money's been this way for me lately. Lately, I would probably choose whatever doesn't require money because it is a source of stress. Anything having to do with a cost gives me horrible belly pain and stress. So I choose free and/or cheap. I literally stood paralyzed at WalMart of all places Tuesday staring at frozen fruit. For like 10 minutes. I don't flipping know. This is 22 cents per ounce and that one is 40 cents per ounce, I could save 20 cents by buying the cheaper one with less variety. 20 cents multiplied by 5 is a dollar. Awesome. I just saved a whole dollar and lost 10 minutes of my life because I wanted a smoothie but couldn't bring myself to buy one at the smoothie place because of the sick indulgence of it. Crap, I didn't notice that the bags were much different sizes. Now how does that change the calculation? Maybe I didn't care about the stupid smoothie so damned much after all. Or the dollar. Or the 10 minutes. I don't care. I used to like to go grab a smoothie sometimes when the "envie" struck. Or some sushi with friends or a beer or whatever. But do I care enough to spend money on it and deal with the inevitable assault of guilt that follows? Not really. In the end, I don't care. I guess I'll just eat peanut butter and banana sandwiches the rest of my life. I guess I'd rather have the money. Pay off my loans. Or may I'd rather just enjoy the sporadic smoothie. Either way. And now here we go again... Hmmmm...... benefits of living cheap are freeing myself from the weight and stress of over a quarter million dollars of loans........... cons are having to go into the 7th ring of hell that is WalMart while staring at frozen fruit packs, meanwhile I look down and a hispanic lady is literally taking everything out of my cart.... I question her and she stares at me, a confused blank stare that I am quite familiar with. It means "I can't understand a damned word you are saying."... I wave to her to go ahead and keep the stuff. Ughh Aahhh! All my hard work of price gouging, for naught!!!! Why oh why is this woman taking my groceries out of my basket??

Still, ultimately I could live either way, I suppose. Whatever gives me the most relief from assault and stress is my vote. If only I knew what that was…. hmmm..

Again and again it is striking to me that I chose a profession in which I am required to make 1000s of decisions per day. I think I'm all decision'd out. I'm becoming non-functional. It's quite unfortunate what an apathetic blob I've become. Thankfully, I'm still able to function in the clinic and make OK clinical decisions, but remove me from the rat race and I could just stand still there forever, staring. Balancing options but not really caring about which to choose. I guess it doesn't matter to me. I could go walk. Or run. Or eat. Or lift weights. Or lay on the floor staring at the ceiling. The apathy is quite astounding. I could not care less.

Don't get me wrong, I'm paralyzed with fear and stress. All the time. It's growing and multiplying with heavy, serious decisions stoning me from every direction at every minute… but the "desire, hope, care, optimistic" part is completely void. It is empty fear.

This is quite a sad state I'm in. I'm really not myself. I've become sort of the embodiment of everything that is bad about me somehow over the past 6 months or so. I hope I can heal this. I'm sure I probably will. Or not. Either way........ ;-)

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"But don't despair, it'll pass; and no doubt more quickly than it should."

Mr Bennett. Pride and Prejudice