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"disorder is more probable than order." Today got me thinking about the concept of Entropy. It is a fascinating concept to think about. It made me miss my engineering days.. It seems like everything in engineering had: 1. a definition. (usually characterized by an equation). 2. a derivation. (a clear explanation of how you arrived to your stated definition). 3. a problem. (i.e. a reason that it matters to know this information; the whole point of all of this, some means of progress to arrive at a certain answer to a clear question..). Man, I miss that stuff so. freaking. much. sometimes... This day all started in such an interesting way. For some reason, over coffee this morning, a colleage and I got on the conversation topic of "the order of randomness." We weren't talking about entropy in the engineering sense.. No, those days of Clarity and Reason are Over. We were discussing Medicine... Ever been to a Journal Club? Believe me, it is painful...

I ran across this excerpt below in my journal last night, because I am back into "reflective mode." I am starting to recognize these patterns in my life, probably because I write my whole life down. I was reflecting back over the past 2 years to give me some clue about where to go next... I had a meeting last night to discuss my Future, which causes me to have horrendous abdominal pain and continued Insomnia. In the end, my advisor and I had formulated a Plan of Action for me to face the next step on this road.. My advisor and I have many similarities, which is one of many reasons that I love my advisor so much. He went straight through school all the way through residency. He had a crisis of meaning during residency and almost quit... He was single and alone in a new town for the first time since leaving home... He was lost at the end trying to decide what to do next, because it was completely and entirely up to him. He looked around and saw one coworker going to this town b...

I thought maybe I'd post something positive for a change this week... because this has been a strangely and amazingly positive week for me. I felt the thing. "The thing" = satisfaction. I was in clinic a lot over the past 2 weeks, which I have described in the past as a rather painful experience, as illustrated below.. *Post-menopausal Vaginal Bleeding, oh and by the way I also have a weird rash on my butt and I no longer want to have sex with my husband. Fix me. 8 minutes. *My back hurts. I realize I weigh 450lb, but my degenerative joint disease is totally genetic, all of my relatives also have it. I can no longer walk. I ride in an automatic wheelchair that was given to me through Medicaid. I do not work. I can't. The pain is too bad. Make the pain stop. Fix me. 6 minutes. *My tummy hurts. The surgeons have now taken out every possible piece of my gut that could possibly be instigating this pain. "If I had known the surgical recovery would hurt this...

1. My entire life has become charting other peoples' HPIs... 2. I really hate Public Displays of Affection and Pet Names... in general... but also, and especially, when they are inflicted upon me. 3. I just love roses. And I admit, as pathetic as it sounds, that part of me really wanted to fall in love with Portland, OR just because its nickname is "City of Roses."... Sad but True. 4. I think if I had to choose one meal to live on forever, it would be hummus, tomatoes, avocados, crackers, and cheese. And wine. And chocolate... 5. I am the world's greatest procrastinator. Down to the point that I am wondering right now what time something is due today, while I am doing this ridiculous crap instead... And I probably would not be doing this if something wasn't due today. 6. I need a better word for "Lost." I'm sick of that word. Is there another word for that? I guess, soon enough, I'll be able to call it "mid-life crisis." Then, soon the...

It was the type of laugh that is sad and mocking.. you hear it from people sometimes who have lost some belief that was essential to them and feel it deeply, then replaced it with a much less palatable truth.. like when a child who loves to pretend first goes through puberty, and discovers grown ups don't pretend all that often.. a man finds out his true love does not love him back, and he acknowledges, for the first time, that he is totally alone in this life... a religious zealot faces his own death, and realizes with horror that it is completely over, that there is no after-life, and so he has been cheated out of the only life he will ever get... A seeker finds what he has been searching for, and then is overwhelmed with disappointment that the journey is over.. and even worse, that the thing he was searching for is not at all what he expected to find.. I wonder, is it better to remain deceived, but innocent? Searching, but hopeful? Or to know the truth of the thing at the exp...

I walked over to Utah's First Annual Beer Fest today.. This was the funniest thing I have seen in a long time. The Utah Beer Fest was a congregation of a few hundred people, I'd say, all standing in line with little plastic 2oz cups! I'm not talking about a few people in line, I'm talking about snake-lines of hundreds of people! And they were all patiently waiting for little tiny shots of 3.2% beer! I started busting out laughing, which immediately got the attention of one of the 6 security guards lining the fence (to keep people from sneaking in..??), and he eyed me suspiciously.. Like I might be drunk, for example... Anyway, I saw a few people I knew waiting in line with their tiny plastic shot glass cups aching for a refill, and I decided "Heck, I need to go experience Utah's Beer Fest if for no other reason than a sociologic novelty." So I walk up to the ticket booth, and tickets were $35!!! I busted out laughing again, catching the eye of yet ano...

Just like that, it happens. Skip and a heartbeat and Bam. It's Fall. Seasons are like that. It feels like it's been Summer Forever, then suddenly it's cool and leaves are yellow and orange and red, and you are totally shocked that it's already time for Fall again. Same with everything. I'm learning that about life. The first time you really notice the change of seasons, it's all very exciting and new and fresh. Then you notice the same things happening again and again, in a pattern. You say the same things, expect the same answers.. Then just as the pattern seems to be hopelessly dull, you get a hailstorm in June to remind you that everything is not about patterns anyway... Skip and a heartbeat and Bam. You're sitting across a dinner table from somebody new and exciting. Again. Every conversation, every touch, has this spark of something intriguing and mysterious to be determined. Which leaf will turn next? Will it be warm or cool today? Then just as...